My heart today and at least one righteous man?

I keep trying to write but the words just aren't coming out. Jesus! I want to please you in all I do. Not sin against you repeatedly and too many times to think of in just one week. Sometimes I feel like a emotional harlot giving into the fantasies of my mind. God can you cleanse me with hyssop and make me white as snow? I keep hearing about processing from a friend this week. Processing? hmmm maybe I need to process. So processing it shall be.
I look out my window and I see coldness. White snow hardened by the bitter cold air. The darkness of the black cement reminds me of the rivers of sin that we end up frolicking in. I see that one small mound of snow in the middle of the river stand out as it tries to be separate from the world around it. Its a cold world out there Lord full of hatred, pain and strife. Loneliness seems to engulf many of us tonight. You know what I long for. Someone to hold. Someone who will be there even when its bitter cold. Sometimes I misplace this desire and forget that you have always been there even in the fire. What is your will for me? Can I spend some time with you? Lay my head upon your chest and not just do. do. do.
I want to take the time to hear from you, take my hand and lead me through.
Through the darkness, through the pain, when everything you seem to care for..seems many miles away. I want to feel desired. I want to be pursued. I want to know who I am is worthy and made for good. I want to have a heart after You and be able to wait on you. Can You be my best friend too? Someone I can tell everything to?
How do I press in and listen to you. Recognize Your voice and sense what Your leading me to? Can I just be in touch with You so I can better know Your will. Nevertheless not my will but Yours be done..
Help me with my desire to know man. To know someone intimately, to hold someone's hand. Prepare me to be the wife you want me to be. For whichever man you have set aside for me. At 16, in Fresno, you spoke words over me, that I would one day be a Proverbs 31 wife to be. Now here I am almost 31, still feeling further from your will for me. My mind and body are going crazy in this waiting room beginning to wonder if its really a rubber room. I long to give my heart to someone and ignite the kind of love you gave me. To one day share with the right person but he just seems to be really far away. Even if he's down the street, up the block, an hour away, a state away or in some foreign distant land, give us both peace that you do have a plan. Its this one thing I need to hand over to you and trust you to take care of because everything I touch seems to just unravel and fall apart. Jesus be my source and be my shield. Help me to soar above it all... yep pretty much like an eagle. Be number one and at the center of it all. Guard my heart so I won't fall. I need your strength and your courage to know out there some where... there is at least. One righteous man.

MY HEART CRY (A modern day Psalm) Chapter 5 .....A year goes by...

Wow God.. I can look back on the things I have written in the past year and say how things have changed and how things are the same. I still cry out to you... asking for wisdom and your will in my life. I see where you have come through even in the past year and brought restoration to friendships and I praise you for that. Though I still do care for people deeply and have fears they will go away.. I heard in a sermon that if "People quit on you they don't deserve you." That is sooo true. I want to believe that. Lately it seems I've grown closer to you had more peace and trust in you. I want that to stay. Today and other days this week I feel I have been a little down worrying again what people think of me... but who by worrying can add a single cubit to their stature... you know... my paraphrase of Matthew 6. You clothe the lily in the field and give birds places to live.. why do I worry? I can meet an incredible person and think wow they are awesome, have a great heart and yet turn around and think about if they thought I was an awesome person in return. I can only be myself. I keep hearing that. First started with James telling me that during the summer. Then Yesterday I had two others... random others telling me that as well. BE MYSELF.. Okay I'm doing that... I'm not ashamed to do that anymore. But I know Satan wants to make me believe "myself" is no good. well thats false.. I want the counteract the lies that creep up with THE TRUTH... THE TRUTH... THE truth only comes from your word and I want to build my foundation on you.... the solid rock... so that when storms in this life come. I can stand firm and not be swept away. I've been listening to alot of Joshua Eze videos lately and to tell you the truth I've been encouraged and convicted. IT was the one yesterday about insecurities that brings me to the topic of today. What is our foundation on? We got to get our foundation right.. we need to read the bible more and apply the word to our hearts and our lives. OH GOD GIVE ME MORE A DESIRE FOR YOUR WORD!! I wanna get my house ready and LORD your foundation is the start of it... Come inside my heart and take over and be the rock that I can cling to in all the storms.. OH Lord an oldy but goody is coming to my mind right now...

"My Hope is Built on Nothing Less"
by Edward Mote, 1797-1874
1. My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus' name.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

2. When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

3. His oath, His covenant, and blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When every earthly prop gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

4. When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found,
Clothed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne!
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.


YES LORD YES!! ON CHRIST, the solid Rock, I stand; ALL OTHER GROUND IS SINKING SAND.. May that be true and evident in my life. Thank you for the encouragement that comes from you and from others you have placed in my life. I love you and help me to write more and more for your glory..
AMEN

Matthew 6:25-34
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

My Heart Cry (A Modern Day Psalm) Chapter 4

God!!!!! Why do I relate soo much to David? One day he's praising you and the next day he's upset again. I am dumbfonded right now, completely dumbfounded with the way people can treat eachother. I thought this chapter was being written already in my journel but right now this chapter is being written. Can I just say God I am still hurt!!! I feel burned from reaching out to my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I have touched the stovetop too many times now. Can't you just cut off my hand now please? The song lyrics I keep thinking about lately are "Chaos" by Mute Math. Here they are:


Complication is my claim to fame
I can’t believe there’ s another, constantly just another
and I can’t avoid what I can’t control
I’m losing ground, still I can’t stand down
I Know, yeah I know… Yeah

I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos

I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos

It’s hard to trust anyone again
after all the let downs I’ve been through,
haunted by what I’ve been through.

Air’s still trapped, while I still can’t breathe
and I’m screaming out, give me help somehow
I know, yeah I know… Yeah

I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos

I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos

Chaos, chaos

I know you stay true, yeah
I know you stay, yeah, yeah, yeah

I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I know you stay.

I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I know you stay.

I know you stay true and everything around’s breaking down
I know you stay true and everything around’s breaking down

I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos

I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos


The words that stand out to me the most are "Complication is my claim to fame
I can’t believe there’ s another, constantly just another
and I can’t avoid what I can’t control
I’m losing ground.." As well as "It’s hard to trust anyone again
after all the let downs I’ve been through,
haunted by what I’ve been through." God!!! I feel like I try over and over again to control things only you can control and I am sick of it. I want to give it all to you. I mean all of it!! Do you hear me down here?? I'm asking you for help. I am having a hard time trusting people right now. I have been let down far too long. God I pray that you will be my only satisfication. I pray you can fill that hole inside of me. How can people be sooo hurtful?? GOD I HATE THE COLD SHOULDER!!! I hate being walked all over. People can't even give you respect to explain why they end up being so cold. I know I feel at times I need closure but I know I'm the only one who can close it, even if you never get it from the other person. God! I have friends tell me that the people who hurt me are missing out on a real, true, caring, loyal friend. They try to tell me I am a real gem. How come I can't believe it? Help me to believe it!!! I pray Lord I can surrender all to you.. Why do I feel?? Why am I broken?? Why do I kneel?? God I pray that you and I can work this out together. Forgive me for the times I have cared for others more than you. I want you. I want to FAST men. I don't want to be distracted any longer. I try to remember God, Mother Teresa's quote which states:

"People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Be good anyway.

Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People need help, but may attack you if you try to help them.
Help them anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway."

I don't want to give up.. I don't want to throw in the towel. Help me to love anyway. Help me to be kind anyway. Help me to be honest and frank anyway. God help me to forgive FORGIVE FORGIVE!!! Help me to not be trapped in unforgiveness and bitterness. I pray I can wrap my friend up in a blanket and hand them over to you. Oh Lord do your will.. Set me free. Help me to soar with you. Please be my one and only. Never leave me nor forsake me. Others come and go but Lord be my constant. I ask all these things in Your name.
Amen

My Heart Cry (A Modern day Psalm) Chapter 3

Written Nov.1, 2009

God! Though yesterday I woke up discouraged and thinking I don't know what my dreams are, I praise you for today. Though I've been hurt, you are my peace that calms my day. Thank you for the message today at church about wisdom and seeking wise counsel. When going through something, I learned from Solomon's son not to follow the counsel of your peers. I didn't know that Solomon's son made pretty stupid mistakes. I would rather receive wisdom from you and people who have been around the block and have experience.

When Rehoboam wanted to ask advice as to how to answer the people in 1 Kings 12:1-24, he chose his peers stupid advice. STUPID! STUPID! I say. It would have made sense to go with the councils advice in verse 7 which states, "They replied, "If today you will be a servant to these people and serve them and give them a favorable answer, they will always be your servants."

I want to be a servant of you and others around me. I want to speak good news to others and have good spoke of me. Can I be your vessel? Can you use me? Use me even if I am a broken pot. Perhaps when you fill me up and I leak, I'm helping flowers bloom along the way.

The young men Rehoboam grew up with were pure evil. Keep me away from evil men just like Psalm 140:4 states. "Keep me O Lord from the hands of the wicked, protect me from men of violence who plan to trip my feet."

There are alot of things I'd like wisdom about, for instance, How to know what your will is? What is my purpose in life? How do I know who is the right person to marry one day? I remember my friend who I still admire who has the drive to go after what he wants. Who knows what he wants to study in school. Whose not afraid to step out in faith and make steps to reach his goal. If a goal seems hard to grasp, it is worth even taking one step towards it, even if you risk getting shot down. God! Give me faith of a mustard seed to do just that. I thank you that you bring people in my life for however long to learn things about them and myself. Oh God right now I'm listening to "King of Glory" by Third Day and my heart just wants to respond to you. Be the King of my heart! I remember singing that song on the worship team years ago. Can I be on one again someday? Maybe a band? Do your will. I long to use the gifts you've given me again, for your glory. I praise you. Selah

My Heart Cry (A Modern Day Psalm) Chapter 2

Written Oct. 30, 2009


The other day Lord I couldn't make the right decision as to go or not to go. I cried out to you from the pit of my stomach and from the depths of my soul. I worry so much about what people think of me if I show up to a place they are. Once you are labeled a name, you fear you will be labeled it again. Even if you're labeled it by people you are cheering for in silence, from the sidelines. Oh! Karen just showed up Lord. Be with our conversation. It's great to see her again. I have missed her so much. I will be back. Hold on. I'm at Insomnia coffee. As you know I was here yesterday with Miranda and Cynthia. I like it here. Coldplay is playing. Couldn't get any better as I sip on my Pumpkin spice chai latte. "Speed of Sound."

Ok God I'm back!! Yesterday when I was treating myself to dinner rather then being some place I really wanted to be, I believe you were with me. You are with me through it all and I learn You are a big God. Maybe you have been mad at me. Maybe I have been mad at you. Only you Lord can calm the storm. Thanks for speaking to me through Isaiah 12 which states, "I will praise you O Lord. Although you were angry with me, your anger has turned away and you have comforted me. Surely God is my salvation. I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, The Lord, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation."

God! O please comfort me! Be my salvation! Help me to trust you and not be afraid. Be my strength Lord and be my song. So, Lord, though I have been confused and don't understand why things happen. Though I am hurt be my strength and my song. Help me to Love people even when they hurt me. If I have dreams and get discouraged help me to dream anyway. Help me to forgive even when nothing makes sense. Speak to me gently. Am I walking on the right path? Will you bring restoration? Where do I serve? Why is there division between followers of Christ? Oh Lord I want to be more like you. I don't want to be bitter, but I want to please you. Thank you for comforting me through lyrics by The Glorious Unseen. "How my heart skips beats when your love accepts me as I am." Thank you for loving me and accepting me as I am. Even when others don't accept me, YOU DO and that AMAZES ME. I love you.
Amen

My Heart Cry (A Modern Day Psalm) Chapter 1

written Oct. 25, 2009



God!! Right now I am very angry with you. I am hurt and I don't feel like spending time with you or praying to you. Why did you make me care for people so much to end up getting burned time and time and time again. Are you out there?? Do you care?? My soul is Downcast God. I am losing faith and struggling with hopelessness right now. I feel like you are up there sitting there and forgetting about me. I feel so misunderstood and thrown aside. I'm sick of being thrown aside and discarded. I try to follow what your word says "love your enemies, pray for those who persecute you." "Love your neighbor as yourself." I love too much and get shot down. Why is it when I try to encourage someone its interpreted the wrong way? Why is it that I can't trust you as much as I want to? God you made me real and honest and caring but it seems those characteristics people don't want a part of anymore. God I want to get married someday!!! Is he even out there?? I've tried to remain pure and wait on you. Its sooo hard. When will you answer my prayers. God listen to me in my distress. Help me to forgive when its hard to forgive. Help me to love when its hard to love. Help me to wait when its hard to wait. I've been in the Valley for far to long Lord. "Ye though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil." Take away my fear. Cast down the idols that seem to take residence in my life. Fill up my vacant heart with more and more of you. I'm sad God. I don't want to be discouraged anymore. Give me direction when it comes to where to serve and which church to attend. I'm scared of the unknown. I'm lonely out here. I know I try to be in control and I try to get people to talk to me. Forgive me. I just want to tell them God I'm sorry and that I miss them. I hate awkwardness. I hate being sooo real to a fault. Why do I feel?? Why do I kneel? How do i let things go? God if Psalm 20 says this

Psalm 20
For the director of music. A psalm of David.

1 May the LORD answer you when you are in distress;
may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
2 May he send you help from the sanctuary
and grant you support from Zion.

3 May he remember all your sacrifices
and accept your burnt offerings.
Selah

4 May he give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed.

5 We will shout for joy when you are victorious
and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.
May the LORD grant all your requests.

6 Now I know that the LORD saves his anointed;
he answers him from his holy heaven
with the saving power of his right hand.

7 Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.

8 They are brought to their knees and fall,
but we rise up and stand firm.

9 O LORD, save the king!


ANSWER ME IN MY DISTRESS!!! Help me to obey you and give You whats Yours. I ask for your help. I ask for your wisdom. I ask for a miracle in my life and in my friends lives. Please give me the desires of my heart according to your will. HELP ME TO TRUST YOU. O LORD SAVE ME.

Amen.