God!!!!! Why do I relate soo much to David? One day he's praising you and the next day he's upset again. I am dumbfonded right now, completely dumbfounded with the way people can treat eachother. I thought this chapter was being written already in my journel but right now this chapter is being written. Can I just say God I am still hurt!!! I feel burned from reaching out to my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I have touched the stovetop too many times now. Can't you just cut off my hand now please? The song lyrics I keep thinking about lately are "Chaos" by Mute Math. Here they are:
Complication is my claim to fame
I can’t believe there’ s another, constantly just another
and I can’t avoid what I can’t control
I’m losing ground, still I can’t stand down
I Know, yeah I know… Yeah
I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
It’s hard to trust anyone again
after all the let downs I’ve been through,
haunted by what I’ve been through.
Air’s still trapped, while I still can’t breathe
and I’m screaming out, give me help somehow
I know, yeah I know… Yeah
I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
Chaos, chaos
I know you stay true, yeah
I know you stay, yeah, yeah, yeah
I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I know you stay.
I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I know you stay.
I know you stay true and everything around’s breaking down
I know you stay true and everything around’s breaking down
I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
The words that stand out to me the most are "Complication is my claim to fame
I can’t believe there’ s another, constantly just another
and I can’t avoid what I can’t control
I’m losing ground.." As well as "It’s hard to trust anyone again
after all the let downs I’ve been through,
haunted by what I’ve been through." God!!! I feel like I try over and over again to control things only you can control and I am sick of it. I want to give it all to you. I mean all of it!! Do you hear me down here?? I'm asking you for help. I am having a hard time trusting people right now. I have been let down far too long. God I pray that you will be my only satisfication. I pray you can fill that hole inside of me. How can people be sooo hurtful?? GOD I HATE THE COLD SHOULDER!!! I hate being walked all over. People can't even give you respect to explain why they end up being so cold. I know I feel at times I need closure but I know I'm the only one who can close it, even if you never get it from the other person. God! I have friends tell me that the people who hurt me are missing out on a real, true, caring, loyal friend. They try to tell me I am a real gem. How come I can't believe it? Help me to believe it!!! I pray Lord I can surrender all to you.. Why do I feel?? Why am I broken?? Why do I kneel?? God I pray that you and I can work this out together. Forgive me for the times I have cared for others more than you. I want you. I want to FAST men. I don't want to be distracted any longer. I try to remember God, Mother Teresa's quote which states:
"People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Be good anyway.
Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People need help, but may attack you if you try to help them.
Help them anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway."
I don't want to give up.. I don't want to throw in the towel. Help me to love anyway. Help me to be kind anyway. Help me to be honest and frank anyway. God help me to forgive FORGIVE FORGIVE!!! Help me to not be trapped in unforgiveness and bitterness. I pray I can wrap my friend up in a blanket and hand them over to you. Oh Lord do your will.. Set me free. Help me to soar with you. Please be my one and only. Never leave me nor forsake me. Others come and go but Lord be my constant. I ask all these things in Your name.
Amen
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