Catch and Release.

God, when you catch something. Say a ball or well a book... anything you can catch really... Aren't we suppose to be able to release it as well?
I need to do that. I want to do that. I can't hold onto words that people say to me and grip tightly. When I do that it only smothers them and makes them want to retreat. I heard it late Sunday night from someone I do care about, a friend. I have gripped tightly to something they said to me. You know what it is. It's only natural right to wanna feel loved, desired, and accepted. To be the girl, someday, someone will want to know everything about. I admit Father, I have problems with wanting to be in control and have things happen in my time, not yours. I need to be driven by You Lord. Not by my emotions. Not by my desire to be liked and know it without a shadow of a doubt. I was told that night that If I wanna know, I should just ask you. Seems easier said then done. Have you and I missed each other some where down the line? Do I communicate and does it just spit out as gibberish to you? Well if you understand all tongues..Do you understand mine too?

Right now I hear the song "Forever Reign," by Hillsong... "My heart will sing No other Name JESUS, JESUS.. My heart will sing no other name, JESUS, JESUS." OH GOD can My heart sing no other name but yours? Can I let go of the grip I have on my desires and my emotions? Can you guard my heart too? My heart is such an open book so much so that you go and tell other people how I feel? Really Lord? What's the point in it. If I care for someone and they don't care back, whats the point in it? Really? I wanna hear from you. I wanna recognize your voice. I want to know that you don't make junk. For far too many years I had let people walk all over me and make me feel like I don't measure up or that I'm not desirable. I don't wanna feel that way anymore! Can you come down with your HUGE HEAVENLY PLIERS and cut these chains around me? I want to walk in your freedom. Receive your strength, love and forgiveness.
"You were near
Though I was distant
Disillusioned, I was lost and insecure

Still mercy fought
For my attention
You were waiting at the door
Then I let You in

Trading your life
For my offenses
For my redemption, You carried all the blame

Breaking the curse
Of our condition
Perfection took our place

When only love could make a way
You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange....."

Oh God another heart cry song from me to you. If you are waiting at the door well I let you in. There is another line in this song that says "Only Love can break these chains.." Thats why I'm asking for those pliers. Are you unraveling things from my heart too? I wanna heart after you like David's, I want to be faithful like Ruth, and I wanna be around people whose passion for you is evident in their life. I can think of a couple Krista, Valerie, Grady, Jaamar, Travis and even Cordell. I praise you that I get to spend time with Krista this weekend and for the encounter I had on my birthday sent straight from you through Grady. He encouraged me to not be afraid to go and walk through doors I've never thought I could walk through before. I wanna let you lead me. Be the horse driving this carriage. If I am not driven by you Lord I fall into the ditch and my wheels break off. Oh God what I would give to hear from you like you talk to Cordell, or have a heart and joy for you in worship like Jaamar, to be utterly transparent about you and things in my life like Travis, To love people like you do the way Krista does, and to have a heart thats sooo huge for you thats unstoppable like Valerie's. Perhaps this is why you place people in our lives that are little glimpses of your wholeness. I mean put all of these people together and GOD you are even bigger then all of them put together by a thousand times. I want to be bold like a lion, I want to abide in you like a dove in the clefts of a rock, realize if you clothe the lilies of the fields you certainly can clothe me too.
I ask again for your forgiveness for getting upset with you, when things don't go my way. For continually sinning against you and against my brother. Giving into to temptation when usually I'm the girl against such things. When I do give in to temptation I find it wasn't worth it anyways feeling less connected and further from you. What has happened did I rebel because it seems you have forgotten about me down here.. as I sit and try to wait on You. I ask for your holy spirit to come into my life and purge me of everything thats hurting me. I worry about losing friendships close to my heart, and just for messing up one last time.
"You are good, You are good when there's nothing good in me.." YES LORD be the Good in me and be the light when darkness closes in. Bring me peace and joy and God be number one in my life and at the center of my friendships. May we please you in all that we do. I need to just have my grip on you and may I never let that go. You are for sure worth holding onto. I love you Lord and ask you for your help today. AMEN