I keep trying to write but the words just aren't coming out. Jesus! I want to please you in all I do. Not sin against you repeatedly and too many times to think of in just one week. Sometimes I feel like a emotional harlot giving into the fantasies of my mind. God can you cleanse me with hyssop and make me white as snow? I keep hearing about processing from a friend this week. Processing? hmmm maybe I need to process. So processing it shall be.
I look out my window and I see coldness. White snow hardened by the bitter cold air. The darkness of the black cement reminds me of the rivers of sin that we end up frolicking in. I see that one small mound of snow in the middle of the river stand out as it tries to be separate from the world around it. Its a cold world out there Lord full of hatred, pain and strife. Loneliness seems to engulf many of us tonight. You know what I long for. Someone to hold. Someone who will be there even when its bitter cold. Sometimes I misplace this desire and forget that you have always been there even in the fire. What is your will for me? Can I spend some time with you? Lay my head upon your chest and not just do. do. do.
I want to take the time to hear from you, take my hand and lead me through.
Through the darkness, through the pain, when everything you seem to care for..seems many miles away. I want to feel desired. I want to be pursued. I want to know who I am is worthy and made for good. I want to have a heart after You and be able to wait on you. Can You be my best friend too? Someone I can tell everything to?
How do I press in and listen to you. Recognize Your voice and sense what Your leading me to? Can I just be in touch with You so I can better know Your will. Nevertheless not my will but Yours be done..
Help me with my desire to know man. To know someone intimately, to hold someone's hand. Prepare me to be the wife you want me to be. For whichever man you have set aside for me. At 16, in Fresno, you spoke words over me, that I would one day be a Proverbs 31 wife to be. Now here I am almost 31, still feeling further from your will for me. My mind and body are going crazy in this waiting room beginning to wonder if its really a rubber room. I long to give my heart to someone and ignite the kind of love you gave me. To one day share with the right person but he just seems to be really far away. Even if he's down the street, up the block, an hour away, a state away or in some foreign distant land, give us both peace that you do have a plan. Its this one thing I need to hand over to you and trust you to take care of because everything I touch seems to just unravel and fall apart. Jesus be my source and be my shield. Help me to soar above it all... yep pretty much like an eagle. Be number one and at the center of it all. Guard my heart so I won't fall. I need your strength and your courage to know out there some where... there is at least. One righteous man.
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