A Friend Loves at ALL times

God why is it that.... that tiny portion of scripture in Proverbs 17, seems to be the toughest one to live out right now and learn.
"A Friend Loves at all times." I have been looking at this verse everyday as my screensaver/wallpaper on my phone. It also sits on top of my dresser and not only that, I've even tried to remind myself of that verse as my status on gmail, or even facebook. Why does it seem right now to be a hard thing to do? I need your help with this one Lord because I feel that even the friends I am trying to love at all times, may not even be a friend to me. That hurts. Should we just call it unconditional love? Whatever it is. I'm having a hard time, holding back how I feel, without lashing out and saying something I will regret in the long run.

There it is, the cross I've been trying to bear. It's nothing in comparison, not even close to the one that you chose to bear. Still a hard one for me today and I ask you for help. I can only think of the verse in Philippians 4:13 "I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Such a good reminder. And that verse makes me think of Matthew West's song "Strong Enough." That song always encourages me whenever I hear it. The lyrics are as follows:
"Strong Enough"

You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

God, I know I'm not strong enough. I am broken and down to nothing. Maybe you think I'm strong enough to give me what I'm going through but I feel weak. I mean you were with me last night when every fiber inside of me wanted to turn to someone and say look, if you don't want to be my friend, why don't you just tell me. Or that feeling of wanting to turn my back on them all together. Seems like an easy way out anyway. Seems to be what people do to me over and over so why not return the favor? At least these are the thoughts that run through my mind. It hurts Lord, to feel ignored. To feel like people don't care for you... even stupidly enough to feel for some reason they won't even add you as a facebook friend because of some reason or another. Is it really validation through facebook that makes us feel like we are important and accepted? I guess I thought if we were friends the least they could do is that.. but no doesn't seem to be happening. Do I desire it? Yes. Do I need it? ..No. Will I gain acceptance from it? I'd like to think so... but No. What hurts more than all of stupid ridiculous facebook is just having a friendship thats up in the air. Knowing they may be hurting and their hurt ended up making me hurt. I know they didn't want to hurt me, but it happened. It happens as time goes on and I can't just talk and discuss everything that has gone down over the past month or so. Instant Messages are confusing, and texting too. I want to have a heart to heart and be able to explain things to an audible voice. The interpretations in chat and texts I think is where a lot of friendships get confusing. I mean they may tell me, look I had to tell my friends to not contact me for awhile. So for a moment I may think Okay, its not just me. But then when you notice they are online all the time, its hard not to think that you are just the only one they don't want to talk to. Cause logically if you are going to log into a chat.. you must be talking to people right? So God this is where my mind has gone.I know our minds are just crazy places sometimes. I want to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. Lord, I just need your strength and help right now because Loving this person unconditionally has been a test on me. So if a friend loves at all times... this is a time I need you to help me with.

Why people hurt?

Jesus,
I'm having another hard time today. Yeah go figure. You gave me this lovely gift of taking on other peoples hurt or what not. When my friend told me he is hurting pretty badly right now... I wondered what could make him hurt soo much? He doesn't want to hurt others around him but Lord I think I am hurt. When I heard that, I was hoping I could fix it and make all the troubles go away. I know Lord, you're the only one that can do that. I found myself Sunday night wanting to grab my closest pillow and just hold it tight partially imagining that he was there. Yeah I know dumb. I know me holding someone won't take things away or them holding me... won't take things away but I'd like to think it could help alittle. I can only think of playing this song for them right now.

You know me, I've always loved this song.
I know what I need.. I know what he needs. Abiding in you. Resting in your arms. and I think it is true in the lyrics that " your too in love to let it go... but if you never try you'll never know.. what you're worth." I want to know that I do have worth. Wanna believe it with every single fiber of my being. Just because someone doesn't want to talk to me. My worth is not based on that. I think for far too long Lord, I believed that. But you are starting to help me see and the help of others that I do have worth. That I am a great friend. If people are willing to jeopardize having a friend like me in their life, then it is their loss ultimately. I want to be a faithful friend to everyone, even to this person that I know is hurting. I admit I wish I could hold him but God you have to do that for me, so please do it, Okay.

I've been realizing lately Lord, that I have been stuffing my hurt inside my heart until last night, I just broke down in tears. I've been missing someone, worried about my sister as well but how do I handle it? Can't even call my sister while she's in the hospital and now I hurt her. I didn't mean to hurt her Lord and I am sorry. I've been a bad sister this week, but sometimes I'm not sure what to say to people or how to cope. Does that mean I'm not Christ like? Or does it mean I am a person dealing with things differently just like my friend is dealing with things right now too. We can be selfish sometimes God that we do, forget to show love to the people we actually love the most. Its all just crazy I think. Its like the trail of one person being hurt, another person being hurt and then they hurt other people. I will always remember that one status Jaamar posted on his facebook one day. "and Hurt people...hurt people." So true. Even if we don't mean it and we try our darnest not to. Someone ultimately gets hurt.
Its soo easy to be in our own little world of population me. I can get on the computer talk to my friends online and stay in the bubble of my house. But I know there are others out there that need our comfort whether its the friends through the internet or the neighbor down the street we passed by. God I want to be used by you. I want to use more the gift you gave me as an encourager. Sometimes I feel shot down by some people that say.."well my friends don't even send me bible verses." Well it makes me wonder when I hear that.... and...why not? I have a few friends that send me bible verses and honestly I wish I could get more. Sometimes people think that not talking to people is the answer. But I don't think it is. We are suppose to be there for one another. Even if we say nothing and sit next to them in a restaurant booth ya know. We don't have to carry our burdens on our own. If we do that we get weighed down by the weight of this world. Oh believe me I know. We have you, Jesus, first and foremost and then we have all Your children to help us along the way.
I just get reminded of this song now Lord. Only I can use non Christian and Christian songs in the same blog right. haha


I can only think of the bible verses in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 that state:
"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

Catch and Release.

God, when you catch something. Say a ball or well a book... anything you can catch really... Aren't we suppose to be able to release it as well?
I need to do that. I want to do that. I can't hold onto words that people say to me and grip tightly. When I do that it only smothers them and makes them want to retreat. I heard it late Sunday night from someone I do care about, a friend. I have gripped tightly to something they said to me. You know what it is. It's only natural right to wanna feel loved, desired, and accepted. To be the girl, someday, someone will want to know everything about. I admit Father, I have problems with wanting to be in control and have things happen in my time, not yours. I need to be driven by You Lord. Not by my emotions. Not by my desire to be liked and know it without a shadow of a doubt. I was told that night that If I wanna know, I should just ask you. Seems easier said then done. Have you and I missed each other some where down the line? Do I communicate and does it just spit out as gibberish to you? Well if you understand all tongues..Do you understand mine too?

Right now I hear the song "Forever Reign," by Hillsong... "My heart will sing No other Name JESUS, JESUS.. My heart will sing no other name, JESUS, JESUS." OH GOD can My heart sing no other name but yours? Can I let go of the grip I have on my desires and my emotions? Can you guard my heart too? My heart is such an open book so much so that you go and tell other people how I feel? Really Lord? What's the point in it. If I care for someone and they don't care back, whats the point in it? Really? I wanna hear from you. I wanna recognize your voice. I want to know that you don't make junk. For far too many years I had let people walk all over me and make me feel like I don't measure up or that I'm not desirable. I don't wanna feel that way anymore! Can you come down with your HUGE HEAVENLY PLIERS and cut these chains around me? I want to walk in your freedom. Receive your strength, love and forgiveness.
"You were near
Though I was distant
Disillusioned, I was lost and insecure

Still mercy fought
For my attention
You were waiting at the door
Then I let You in

Trading your life
For my offenses
For my redemption, You carried all the blame

Breaking the curse
Of our condition
Perfection took our place

When only love could make a way
You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange....."

Oh God another heart cry song from me to you. If you are waiting at the door well I let you in. There is another line in this song that says "Only Love can break these chains.." Thats why I'm asking for those pliers. Are you unraveling things from my heart too? I wanna heart after you like David's, I want to be faithful like Ruth, and I wanna be around people whose passion for you is evident in their life. I can think of a couple Krista, Valerie, Grady, Jaamar, Travis and even Cordell. I praise you that I get to spend time with Krista this weekend and for the encounter I had on my birthday sent straight from you through Grady. He encouraged me to not be afraid to go and walk through doors I've never thought I could walk through before. I wanna let you lead me. Be the horse driving this carriage. If I am not driven by you Lord I fall into the ditch and my wheels break off. Oh God what I would give to hear from you like you talk to Cordell, or have a heart and joy for you in worship like Jaamar, to be utterly transparent about you and things in my life like Travis, To love people like you do the way Krista does, and to have a heart thats sooo huge for you thats unstoppable like Valerie's. Perhaps this is why you place people in our lives that are little glimpses of your wholeness. I mean put all of these people together and GOD you are even bigger then all of them put together by a thousand times. I want to be bold like a lion, I want to abide in you like a dove in the clefts of a rock, realize if you clothe the lilies of the fields you certainly can clothe me too.
I ask again for your forgiveness for getting upset with you, when things don't go my way. For continually sinning against you and against my brother. Giving into to temptation when usually I'm the girl against such things. When I do give in to temptation I find it wasn't worth it anyways feeling less connected and further from you. What has happened did I rebel because it seems you have forgotten about me down here.. as I sit and try to wait on You. I ask for your holy spirit to come into my life and purge me of everything thats hurting me. I worry about losing friendships close to my heart, and just for messing up one last time.
"You are good, You are good when there's nothing good in me.." YES LORD be the Good in me and be the light when darkness closes in. Bring me peace and joy and God be number one in my life and at the center of my friendships. May we please you in all that we do. I need to just have my grip on you and may I never let that go. You are for sure worth holding onto. I love you Lord and ask you for your help today. AMEN

My heart today and at least one righteous man?

I keep trying to write but the words just aren't coming out. Jesus! I want to please you in all I do. Not sin against you repeatedly and too many times to think of in just one week. Sometimes I feel like a emotional harlot giving into the fantasies of my mind. God can you cleanse me with hyssop and make me white as snow? I keep hearing about processing from a friend this week. Processing? hmmm maybe I need to process. So processing it shall be.
I look out my window and I see coldness. White snow hardened by the bitter cold air. The darkness of the black cement reminds me of the rivers of sin that we end up frolicking in. I see that one small mound of snow in the middle of the river stand out as it tries to be separate from the world around it. Its a cold world out there Lord full of hatred, pain and strife. Loneliness seems to engulf many of us tonight. You know what I long for. Someone to hold. Someone who will be there even when its bitter cold. Sometimes I misplace this desire and forget that you have always been there even in the fire. What is your will for me? Can I spend some time with you? Lay my head upon your chest and not just do. do. do.
I want to take the time to hear from you, take my hand and lead me through.
Through the darkness, through the pain, when everything you seem to care for..seems many miles away. I want to feel desired. I want to be pursued. I want to know who I am is worthy and made for good. I want to have a heart after You and be able to wait on you. Can You be my best friend too? Someone I can tell everything to?
How do I press in and listen to you. Recognize Your voice and sense what Your leading me to? Can I just be in touch with You so I can better know Your will. Nevertheless not my will but Yours be done..
Help me with my desire to know man. To know someone intimately, to hold someone's hand. Prepare me to be the wife you want me to be. For whichever man you have set aside for me. At 16, in Fresno, you spoke words over me, that I would one day be a Proverbs 31 wife to be. Now here I am almost 31, still feeling further from your will for me. My mind and body are going crazy in this waiting room beginning to wonder if its really a rubber room. I long to give my heart to someone and ignite the kind of love you gave me. To one day share with the right person but he just seems to be really far away. Even if he's down the street, up the block, an hour away, a state away or in some foreign distant land, give us both peace that you do have a plan. Its this one thing I need to hand over to you and trust you to take care of because everything I touch seems to just unravel and fall apart. Jesus be my source and be my shield. Help me to soar above it all... yep pretty much like an eagle. Be number one and at the center of it all. Guard my heart so I won't fall. I need your strength and your courage to know out there some where... there is at least. One righteous man.

MY HEART CRY (A modern day Psalm) Chapter 5 .....A year goes by...

Wow God.. I can look back on the things I have written in the past year and say how things have changed and how things are the same. I still cry out to you... asking for wisdom and your will in my life. I see where you have come through even in the past year and brought restoration to friendships and I praise you for that. Though I still do care for people deeply and have fears they will go away.. I heard in a sermon that if "People quit on you they don't deserve you." That is sooo true. I want to believe that. Lately it seems I've grown closer to you had more peace and trust in you. I want that to stay. Today and other days this week I feel I have been a little down worrying again what people think of me... but who by worrying can add a single cubit to their stature... you know... my paraphrase of Matthew 6. You clothe the lily in the field and give birds places to live.. why do I worry? I can meet an incredible person and think wow they are awesome, have a great heart and yet turn around and think about if they thought I was an awesome person in return. I can only be myself. I keep hearing that. First started with James telling me that during the summer. Then Yesterday I had two others... random others telling me that as well. BE MYSELF.. Okay I'm doing that... I'm not ashamed to do that anymore. But I know Satan wants to make me believe "myself" is no good. well thats false.. I want the counteract the lies that creep up with THE TRUTH... THE TRUTH... THE truth only comes from your word and I want to build my foundation on you.... the solid rock... so that when storms in this life come. I can stand firm and not be swept away. I've been listening to alot of Joshua Eze videos lately and to tell you the truth I've been encouraged and convicted. IT was the one yesterday about insecurities that brings me to the topic of today. What is our foundation on? We got to get our foundation right.. we need to read the bible more and apply the word to our hearts and our lives. OH GOD GIVE ME MORE A DESIRE FOR YOUR WORD!! I wanna get my house ready and LORD your foundation is the start of it... Come inside my heart and take over and be the rock that I can cling to in all the storms.. OH Lord an oldy but goody is coming to my mind right now...

"My Hope is Built on Nothing Less"
by Edward Mote, 1797-1874
1. My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus' name.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

2. When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

3. His oath, His covenant, and blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When every earthly prop gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

4. When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found,
Clothed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne!
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.


YES LORD YES!! ON CHRIST, the solid Rock, I stand; ALL OTHER GROUND IS SINKING SAND.. May that be true and evident in my life. Thank you for the encouragement that comes from you and from others you have placed in my life. I love you and help me to write more and more for your glory..
AMEN

Matthew 6:25-34
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

My Heart Cry (A Modern Day Psalm) Chapter 4

God!!!!! Why do I relate soo much to David? One day he's praising you and the next day he's upset again. I am dumbfonded right now, completely dumbfounded with the way people can treat eachother. I thought this chapter was being written already in my journel but right now this chapter is being written. Can I just say God I am still hurt!!! I feel burned from reaching out to my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I have touched the stovetop too many times now. Can't you just cut off my hand now please? The song lyrics I keep thinking about lately are "Chaos" by Mute Math. Here they are:


Complication is my claim to fame
I can’t believe there’ s another, constantly just another
and I can’t avoid what I can’t control
I’m losing ground, still I can’t stand down
I Know, yeah I know… Yeah

I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos

I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos

It’s hard to trust anyone again
after all the let downs I’ve been through,
haunted by what I’ve been through.

Air’s still trapped, while I still can’t breathe
and I’m screaming out, give me help somehow
I know, yeah I know… Yeah

I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos

I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos

Chaos, chaos

I know you stay true, yeah
I know you stay, yeah, yeah, yeah

I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I know you stay.

I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I know you stay.

I know you stay true and everything around’s breaking down
I know you stay true and everything around’s breaking down

I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos

I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos


The words that stand out to me the most are "Complication is my claim to fame
I can’t believe there’ s another, constantly just another
and I can’t avoid what I can’t control
I’m losing ground.." As well as "It’s hard to trust anyone again
after all the let downs I’ve been through,
haunted by what I’ve been through." God!!! I feel like I try over and over again to control things only you can control and I am sick of it. I want to give it all to you. I mean all of it!! Do you hear me down here?? I'm asking you for help. I am having a hard time trusting people right now. I have been let down far too long. God I pray that you will be my only satisfication. I pray you can fill that hole inside of me. How can people be sooo hurtful?? GOD I HATE THE COLD SHOULDER!!! I hate being walked all over. People can't even give you respect to explain why they end up being so cold. I know I feel at times I need closure but I know I'm the only one who can close it, even if you never get it from the other person. God! I have friends tell me that the people who hurt me are missing out on a real, true, caring, loyal friend. They try to tell me I am a real gem. How come I can't believe it? Help me to believe it!!! I pray Lord I can surrender all to you.. Why do I feel?? Why am I broken?? Why do I kneel?? God I pray that you and I can work this out together. Forgive me for the times I have cared for others more than you. I want you. I want to FAST men. I don't want to be distracted any longer. I try to remember God, Mother Teresa's quote which states:

"People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Be good anyway.

Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People need help, but may attack you if you try to help them.
Help them anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway."

I don't want to give up.. I don't want to throw in the towel. Help me to love anyway. Help me to be kind anyway. Help me to be honest and frank anyway. God help me to forgive FORGIVE FORGIVE!!! Help me to not be trapped in unforgiveness and bitterness. I pray I can wrap my friend up in a blanket and hand them over to you. Oh Lord do your will.. Set me free. Help me to soar with you. Please be my one and only. Never leave me nor forsake me. Others come and go but Lord be my constant. I ask all these things in Your name.
Amen

My Heart Cry (A Modern day Psalm) Chapter 3

Written Nov.1, 2009

God! Though yesterday I woke up discouraged and thinking I don't know what my dreams are, I praise you for today. Though I've been hurt, you are my peace that calms my day. Thank you for the message today at church about wisdom and seeking wise counsel. When going through something, I learned from Solomon's son not to follow the counsel of your peers. I didn't know that Solomon's son made pretty stupid mistakes. I would rather receive wisdom from you and people who have been around the block and have experience.

When Rehoboam wanted to ask advice as to how to answer the people in 1 Kings 12:1-24, he chose his peers stupid advice. STUPID! STUPID! I say. It would have made sense to go with the councils advice in verse 7 which states, "They replied, "If today you will be a servant to these people and serve them and give them a favorable answer, they will always be your servants."

I want to be a servant of you and others around me. I want to speak good news to others and have good spoke of me. Can I be your vessel? Can you use me? Use me even if I am a broken pot. Perhaps when you fill me up and I leak, I'm helping flowers bloom along the way.

The young men Rehoboam grew up with were pure evil. Keep me away from evil men just like Psalm 140:4 states. "Keep me O Lord from the hands of the wicked, protect me from men of violence who plan to trip my feet."

There are alot of things I'd like wisdom about, for instance, How to know what your will is? What is my purpose in life? How do I know who is the right person to marry one day? I remember my friend who I still admire who has the drive to go after what he wants. Who knows what he wants to study in school. Whose not afraid to step out in faith and make steps to reach his goal. If a goal seems hard to grasp, it is worth even taking one step towards it, even if you risk getting shot down. God! Give me faith of a mustard seed to do just that. I thank you that you bring people in my life for however long to learn things about them and myself. Oh God right now I'm listening to "King of Glory" by Third Day and my heart just wants to respond to you. Be the King of my heart! I remember singing that song on the worship team years ago. Can I be on one again someday? Maybe a band? Do your will. I long to use the gifts you've given me again, for your glory. I praise you. Selah