A Friend Loves at ALL times

God why is it that.... that tiny portion of scripture in Proverbs 17, seems to be the toughest one to live out right now and learn.
"A Friend Loves at all times." I have been looking at this verse everyday as my screensaver/wallpaper on my phone. It also sits on top of my dresser and not only that, I've even tried to remind myself of that verse as my status on gmail, or even facebook. Why does it seem right now to be a hard thing to do? I need your help with this one Lord because I feel that even the friends I am trying to love at all times, may not even be a friend to me. That hurts. Should we just call it unconditional love? Whatever it is. I'm having a hard time, holding back how I feel, without lashing out and saying something I will regret in the long run.

There it is, the cross I've been trying to bear. It's nothing in comparison, not even close to the one that you chose to bear. Still a hard one for me today and I ask you for help. I can only think of the verse in Philippians 4:13 "I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Such a good reminder. And that verse makes me think of Matthew West's song "Strong Enough." That song always encourages me whenever I hear it. The lyrics are as follows:
"Strong Enough"

You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

God, I know I'm not strong enough. I am broken and down to nothing. Maybe you think I'm strong enough to give me what I'm going through but I feel weak. I mean you were with me last night when every fiber inside of me wanted to turn to someone and say look, if you don't want to be my friend, why don't you just tell me. Or that feeling of wanting to turn my back on them all together. Seems like an easy way out anyway. Seems to be what people do to me over and over so why not return the favor? At least these are the thoughts that run through my mind. It hurts Lord, to feel ignored. To feel like people don't care for you... even stupidly enough to feel for some reason they won't even add you as a facebook friend because of some reason or another. Is it really validation through facebook that makes us feel like we are important and accepted? I guess I thought if we were friends the least they could do is that.. but no doesn't seem to be happening. Do I desire it? Yes. Do I need it? ..No. Will I gain acceptance from it? I'd like to think so... but No. What hurts more than all of stupid ridiculous facebook is just having a friendship thats up in the air. Knowing they may be hurting and their hurt ended up making me hurt. I know they didn't want to hurt me, but it happened. It happens as time goes on and I can't just talk and discuss everything that has gone down over the past month or so. Instant Messages are confusing, and texting too. I want to have a heart to heart and be able to explain things to an audible voice. The interpretations in chat and texts I think is where a lot of friendships get confusing. I mean they may tell me, look I had to tell my friends to not contact me for awhile. So for a moment I may think Okay, its not just me. But then when you notice they are online all the time, its hard not to think that you are just the only one they don't want to talk to. Cause logically if you are going to log into a chat.. you must be talking to people right? So God this is where my mind has gone.I know our minds are just crazy places sometimes. I want to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. Lord, I just need your strength and help right now because Loving this person unconditionally has been a test on me. So if a friend loves at all times... this is a time I need you to help me with.

Why people hurt?

Jesus,
I'm having another hard time today. Yeah go figure. You gave me this lovely gift of taking on other peoples hurt or what not. When my friend told me he is hurting pretty badly right now... I wondered what could make him hurt soo much? He doesn't want to hurt others around him but Lord I think I am hurt. When I heard that, I was hoping I could fix it and make all the troubles go away. I know Lord, you're the only one that can do that. I found myself Sunday night wanting to grab my closest pillow and just hold it tight partially imagining that he was there. Yeah I know dumb. I know me holding someone won't take things away or them holding me... won't take things away but I'd like to think it could help alittle. I can only think of playing this song for them right now.

You know me, I've always loved this song.
I know what I need.. I know what he needs. Abiding in you. Resting in your arms. and I think it is true in the lyrics that " your too in love to let it go... but if you never try you'll never know.. what you're worth." I want to know that I do have worth. Wanna believe it with every single fiber of my being. Just because someone doesn't want to talk to me. My worth is not based on that. I think for far too long Lord, I believed that. But you are starting to help me see and the help of others that I do have worth. That I am a great friend. If people are willing to jeopardize having a friend like me in their life, then it is their loss ultimately. I want to be a faithful friend to everyone, even to this person that I know is hurting. I admit I wish I could hold him but God you have to do that for me, so please do it, Okay.

I've been realizing lately Lord, that I have been stuffing my hurt inside my heart until last night, I just broke down in tears. I've been missing someone, worried about my sister as well but how do I handle it? Can't even call my sister while she's in the hospital and now I hurt her. I didn't mean to hurt her Lord and I am sorry. I've been a bad sister this week, but sometimes I'm not sure what to say to people or how to cope. Does that mean I'm not Christ like? Or does it mean I am a person dealing with things differently just like my friend is dealing with things right now too. We can be selfish sometimes God that we do, forget to show love to the people we actually love the most. Its all just crazy I think. Its like the trail of one person being hurt, another person being hurt and then they hurt other people. I will always remember that one status Jaamar posted on his facebook one day. "and Hurt people...hurt people." So true. Even if we don't mean it and we try our darnest not to. Someone ultimately gets hurt.
Its soo easy to be in our own little world of population me. I can get on the computer talk to my friends online and stay in the bubble of my house. But I know there are others out there that need our comfort whether its the friends through the internet or the neighbor down the street we passed by. God I want to be used by you. I want to use more the gift you gave me as an encourager. Sometimes I feel shot down by some people that say.."well my friends don't even send me bible verses." Well it makes me wonder when I hear that.... and...why not? I have a few friends that send me bible verses and honestly I wish I could get more. Sometimes people think that not talking to people is the answer. But I don't think it is. We are suppose to be there for one another. Even if we say nothing and sit next to them in a restaurant booth ya know. We don't have to carry our burdens on our own. If we do that we get weighed down by the weight of this world. Oh believe me I know. We have you, Jesus, first and foremost and then we have all Your children to help us along the way.
I just get reminded of this song now Lord. Only I can use non Christian and Christian songs in the same blog right. haha


I can only think of the bible verses in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 that state:
"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

Catch and Release.

God, when you catch something. Say a ball or well a book... anything you can catch really... Aren't we suppose to be able to release it as well?
I need to do that. I want to do that. I can't hold onto words that people say to me and grip tightly. When I do that it only smothers them and makes them want to retreat. I heard it late Sunday night from someone I do care about, a friend. I have gripped tightly to something they said to me. You know what it is. It's only natural right to wanna feel loved, desired, and accepted. To be the girl, someday, someone will want to know everything about. I admit Father, I have problems with wanting to be in control and have things happen in my time, not yours. I need to be driven by You Lord. Not by my emotions. Not by my desire to be liked and know it without a shadow of a doubt. I was told that night that If I wanna know, I should just ask you. Seems easier said then done. Have you and I missed each other some where down the line? Do I communicate and does it just spit out as gibberish to you? Well if you understand all tongues..Do you understand mine too?

Right now I hear the song "Forever Reign," by Hillsong... "My heart will sing No other Name JESUS, JESUS.. My heart will sing no other name, JESUS, JESUS." OH GOD can My heart sing no other name but yours? Can I let go of the grip I have on my desires and my emotions? Can you guard my heart too? My heart is such an open book so much so that you go and tell other people how I feel? Really Lord? What's the point in it. If I care for someone and they don't care back, whats the point in it? Really? I wanna hear from you. I wanna recognize your voice. I want to know that you don't make junk. For far too many years I had let people walk all over me and make me feel like I don't measure up or that I'm not desirable. I don't wanna feel that way anymore! Can you come down with your HUGE HEAVENLY PLIERS and cut these chains around me? I want to walk in your freedom. Receive your strength, love and forgiveness.
"You were near
Though I was distant
Disillusioned, I was lost and insecure

Still mercy fought
For my attention
You were waiting at the door
Then I let You in

Trading your life
For my offenses
For my redemption, You carried all the blame

Breaking the curse
Of our condition
Perfection took our place

When only love could make a way
You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange....."

Oh God another heart cry song from me to you. If you are waiting at the door well I let you in. There is another line in this song that says "Only Love can break these chains.." Thats why I'm asking for those pliers. Are you unraveling things from my heart too? I wanna heart after you like David's, I want to be faithful like Ruth, and I wanna be around people whose passion for you is evident in their life. I can think of a couple Krista, Valerie, Grady, Jaamar, Travis and even Cordell. I praise you that I get to spend time with Krista this weekend and for the encounter I had on my birthday sent straight from you through Grady. He encouraged me to not be afraid to go and walk through doors I've never thought I could walk through before. I wanna let you lead me. Be the horse driving this carriage. If I am not driven by you Lord I fall into the ditch and my wheels break off. Oh God what I would give to hear from you like you talk to Cordell, or have a heart and joy for you in worship like Jaamar, to be utterly transparent about you and things in my life like Travis, To love people like you do the way Krista does, and to have a heart thats sooo huge for you thats unstoppable like Valerie's. Perhaps this is why you place people in our lives that are little glimpses of your wholeness. I mean put all of these people together and GOD you are even bigger then all of them put together by a thousand times. I want to be bold like a lion, I want to abide in you like a dove in the clefts of a rock, realize if you clothe the lilies of the fields you certainly can clothe me too.
I ask again for your forgiveness for getting upset with you, when things don't go my way. For continually sinning against you and against my brother. Giving into to temptation when usually I'm the girl against such things. When I do give in to temptation I find it wasn't worth it anyways feeling less connected and further from you. What has happened did I rebel because it seems you have forgotten about me down here.. as I sit and try to wait on You. I ask for your holy spirit to come into my life and purge me of everything thats hurting me. I worry about losing friendships close to my heart, and just for messing up one last time.
"You are good, You are good when there's nothing good in me.." YES LORD be the Good in me and be the light when darkness closes in. Bring me peace and joy and God be number one in my life and at the center of my friendships. May we please you in all that we do. I need to just have my grip on you and may I never let that go. You are for sure worth holding onto. I love you Lord and ask you for your help today. AMEN