My Heart Cry (A Modern Day Psalm) Chapter 4

God!!!!! Why do I relate soo much to David? One day he's praising you and the next day he's upset again. I am dumbfonded right now, completely dumbfounded with the way people can treat eachother. I thought this chapter was being written already in my journel but right now this chapter is being written. Can I just say God I am still hurt!!! I feel burned from reaching out to my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I have touched the stovetop too many times now. Can't you just cut off my hand now please? The song lyrics I keep thinking about lately are "Chaos" by Mute Math. Here they are:


Complication is my claim to fame
I can’t believe there’ s another, constantly just another
and I can’t avoid what I can’t control
I’m losing ground, still I can’t stand down
I Know, yeah I know… Yeah

I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos

I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos

It’s hard to trust anyone again
after all the let downs I’ve been through,
haunted by what I’ve been through.

Air’s still trapped, while I still can’t breathe
and I’m screaming out, give me help somehow
I know, yeah I know… Yeah

I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos

I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos

Chaos, chaos

I know you stay true, yeah
I know you stay, yeah, yeah, yeah

I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I know you stay.

I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I know you stay.

I know you stay true and everything around’s breaking down
I know you stay true and everything around’s breaking down

I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos

I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos


The words that stand out to me the most are "Complication is my claim to fame
I can’t believe there’ s another, constantly just another
and I can’t avoid what I can’t control
I’m losing ground.." As well as "It’s hard to trust anyone again
after all the let downs I’ve been through,
haunted by what I’ve been through." God!!! I feel like I try over and over again to control things only you can control and I am sick of it. I want to give it all to you. I mean all of it!! Do you hear me down here?? I'm asking you for help. I am having a hard time trusting people right now. I have been let down far too long. God I pray that you will be my only satisfication. I pray you can fill that hole inside of me. How can people be sooo hurtful?? GOD I HATE THE COLD SHOULDER!!! I hate being walked all over. People can't even give you respect to explain why they end up being so cold. I know I feel at times I need closure but I know I'm the only one who can close it, even if you never get it from the other person. God! I have friends tell me that the people who hurt me are missing out on a real, true, caring, loyal friend. They try to tell me I am a real gem. How come I can't believe it? Help me to believe it!!! I pray Lord I can surrender all to you.. Why do I feel?? Why am I broken?? Why do I kneel?? God I pray that you and I can work this out together. Forgive me for the times I have cared for others more than you. I want you. I want to FAST men. I don't want to be distracted any longer. I try to remember God, Mother Teresa's quote which states:

"People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Be good anyway.

Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People need help, but may attack you if you try to help them.
Help them anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway."

I don't want to give up.. I don't want to throw in the towel. Help me to love anyway. Help me to be kind anyway. Help me to be honest and frank anyway. God help me to forgive FORGIVE FORGIVE!!! Help me to not be trapped in unforgiveness and bitterness. I pray I can wrap my friend up in a blanket and hand them over to you. Oh Lord do your will.. Set me free. Help me to soar with you. Please be my one and only. Never leave me nor forsake me. Others come and go but Lord be my constant. I ask all these things in Your name.
Amen

My Heart Cry (A Modern day Psalm) Chapter 3

Written Nov.1, 2009

God! Though yesterday I woke up discouraged and thinking I don't know what my dreams are, I praise you for today. Though I've been hurt, you are my peace that calms my day. Thank you for the message today at church about wisdom and seeking wise counsel. When going through something, I learned from Solomon's son not to follow the counsel of your peers. I didn't know that Solomon's son made pretty stupid mistakes. I would rather receive wisdom from you and people who have been around the block and have experience.

When Rehoboam wanted to ask advice as to how to answer the people in 1 Kings 12:1-24, he chose his peers stupid advice. STUPID! STUPID! I say. It would have made sense to go with the councils advice in verse 7 which states, "They replied, "If today you will be a servant to these people and serve them and give them a favorable answer, they will always be your servants."

I want to be a servant of you and others around me. I want to speak good news to others and have good spoke of me. Can I be your vessel? Can you use me? Use me even if I am a broken pot. Perhaps when you fill me up and I leak, I'm helping flowers bloom along the way.

The young men Rehoboam grew up with were pure evil. Keep me away from evil men just like Psalm 140:4 states. "Keep me O Lord from the hands of the wicked, protect me from men of violence who plan to trip my feet."

There are alot of things I'd like wisdom about, for instance, How to know what your will is? What is my purpose in life? How do I know who is the right person to marry one day? I remember my friend who I still admire who has the drive to go after what he wants. Who knows what he wants to study in school. Whose not afraid to step out in faith and make steps to reach his goal. If a goal seems hard to grasp, it is worth even taking one step towards it, even if you risk getting shot down. God! Give me faith of a mustard seed to do just that. I thank you that you bring people in my life for however long to learn things about them and myself. Oh God right now I'm listening to "King of Glory" by Third Day and my heart just wants to respond to you. Be the King of my heart! I remember singing that song on the worship team years ago. Can I be on one again someday? Maybe a band? Do your will. I long to use the gifts you've given me again, for your glory. I praise you. Selah

My Heart Cry (A Modern Day Psalm) Chapter 2

Written Oct. 30, 2009


The other day Lord I couldn't make the right decision as to go or not to go. I cried out to you from the pit of my stomach and from the depths of my soul. I worry so much about what people think of me if I show up to a place they are. Once you are labeled a name, you fear you will be labeled it again. Even if you're labeled it by people you are cheering for in silence, from the sidelines. Oh! Karen just showed up Lord. Be with our conversation. It's great to see her again. I have missed her so much. I will be back. Hold on. I'm at Insomnia coffee. As you know I was here yesterday with Miranda and Cynthia. I like it here. Coldplay is playing. Couldn't get any better as I sip on my Pumpkin spice chai latte. "Speed of Sound."

Ok God I'm back!! Yesterday when I was treating myself to dinner rather then being some place I really wanted to be, I believe you were with me. You are with me through it all and I learn You are a big God. Maybe you have been mad at me. Maybe I have been mad at you. Only you Lord can calm the storm. Thanks for speaking to me through Isaiah 12 which states, "I will praise you O Lord. Although you were angry with me, your anger has turned away and you have comforted me. Surely God is my salvation. I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, The Lord, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation."

God! O please comfort me! Be my salvation! Help me to trust you and not be afraid. Be my strength Lord and be my song. So, Lord, though I have been confused and don't understand why things happen. Though I am hurt be my strength and my song. Help me to Love people even when they hurt me. If I have dreams and get discouraged help me to dream anyway. Help me to forgive even when nothing makes sense. Speak to me gently. Am I walking on the right path? Will you bring restoration? Where do I serve? Why is there division between followers of Christ? Oh Lord I want to be more like you. I don't want to be bitter, but I want to please you. Thank you for comforting me through lyrics by The Glorious Unseen. "How my heart skips beats when your love accepts me as I am." Thank you for loving me and accepting me as I am. Even when others don't accept me, YOU DO and that AMAZES ME. I love you.
Amen

My Heart Cry (A Modern Day Psalm) Chapter 1

written Oct. 25, 2009



God!! Right now I am very angry with you. I am hurt and I don't feel like spending time with you or praying to you. Why did you make me care for people so much to end up getting burned time and time and time again. Are you out there?? Do you care?? My soul is Downcast God. I am losing faith and struggling with hopelessness right now. I feel like you are up there sitting there and forgetting about me. I feel so misunderstood and thrown aside. I'm sick of being thrown aside and discarded. I try to follow what your word says "love your enemies, pray for those who persecute you." "Love your neighbor as yourself." I love too much and get shot down. Why is it when I try to encourage someone its interpreted the wrong way? Why is it that I can't trust you as much as I want to? God you made me real and honest and caring but it seems those characteristics people don't want a part of anymore. God I want to get married someday!!! Is he even out there?? I've tried to remain pure and wait on you. Its sooo hard. When will you answer my prayers. God listen to me in my distress. Help me to forgive when its hard to forgive. Help me to love when its hard to love. Help me to wait when its hard to wait. I've been in the Valley for far to long Lord. "Ye though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil." Take away my fear. Cast down the idols that seem to take residence in my life. Fill up my vacant heart with more and more of you. I'm sad God. I don't want to be discouraged anymore. Give me direction when it comes to where to serve and which church to attend. I'm scared of the unknown. I'm lonely out here. I know I try to be in control and I try to get people to talk to me. Forgive me. I just want to tell them God I'm sorry and that I miss them. I hate awkwardness. I hate being sooo real to a fault. Why do I feel?? Why do I kneel? How do i let things go? God if Psalm 20 says this

Psalm 20
For the director of music. A psalm of David.

1 May the LORD answer you when you are in distress;
may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
2 May he send you help from the sanctuary
and grant you support from Zion.

3 May he remember all your sacrifices
and accept your burnt offerings.
Selah

4 May he give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed.

5 We will shout for joy when you are victorious
and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.
May the LORD grant all your requests.

6 Now I know that the LORD saves his anointed;
he answers him from his holy heaven
with the saving power of his right hand.

7 Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.

8 They are brought to their knees and fall,
but we rise up and stand firm.

9 O LORD, save the king!


ANSWER ME IN MY DISTRESS!!! Help me to obey you and give You whats Yours. I ask for your help. I ask for your wisdom. I ask for a miracle in my life and in my friends lives. Please give me the desires of my heart according to your will. HELP ME TO TRUST YOU. O LORD SAVE ME.

Amen.